I'm Sorry My Love
by Amai Masuta
Summary: Light has messed up to the point where his love my be gone forever. M for reasons to come later and Yaoi. Please R&R.


Nothing I could have said would have stopped him from grabbing my body. I tried to push him off of me, I loved him with all my heart but not when he was drunk. We had gotten in a fight and to be truthful it was my fault. I should have known better then to stay out and not tell him, he gets so jealous. Well now he does.

"Just get off Light! I don't even want you near me when you're like this and you know it!" I yelled as I tried to sit away from him. We were in the living room, well more like I was in the living room and he came barging in through the front door staggering in drunk off his ass.

"Oh what, you still don't want me let me guess you want your fuck buddy you were with!" Light yelled standing over me.

"Light for the thousandth time I wasn't with any one and you need to stop saying that you know that a lie. I want you every second of every day just not when you're drunk you're not the same man that I want to spend my life with." I said as calmly as possible. It was taking everything in me to not get up and just leave.

Light didn't say anything he just stood there looking down at me. I guess what I said angered him; Light gritted his teeth then screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Don't fucking lie to me! You have cheated before you can cheat again and don't think I will ever forget what you did to me! For weeks... No mouths I was crying... Me... Your Top... I was crying like a low bottom that didn't know how to live anymore! You don't like me when I'm drunk? Well I don't like a cheating little bitch that thinks I will forget what they have done to me!"

I sat there just looking at him. I said nothing, I didn't do anything. Soon my gaze lowered and I just looked at the floor of our apartment. Light continued to stand over me but the site of me, the way I looked made him sober up, fast. All he did was stand there, his mouth open as if he was going to say something but then he just dropped to his knees in hope that he could meet my gaze. But after what he just said to me, I didn't know if I could ever look at him again.

"... L... I... I'm..." he knew nothing he would say would mean anything to me right now. Light stood up and just walked to the bathroom. I heard the shower turn on but I didn't move.

I just sat there. Tears flowing from my eyes I waited until he left, if he saw me cry he would probably have left for that god damn bar again. I still heard the shower going; I looked up and didn't take my eyes from the door.

Then I could feel my head turning back to the floor. I didn't fight it I just let gravity move my body. Feeling numb to the world and not really giving a shit about it any longer, I just kept my eyes glued to the same spot. My ears had gone deaf my eyes were going blind. When you don't feel the need to use things like your brain or body they go numb and stop working. Sooner or later you black out. And that's what I did. Nothing could have woken me up, I wasn't sleeping. There is a difference between sleeping and just giving up. I couldn't even feel him shaking me later on that night. And I didn't even want to talk to him, not tonight.

* * *

The water was running down my body, it could have been burning lava I still wouldn't have felt it. Standing there looking up not thinking.

What the hell was I thinking...? I was drunk. No that's not even a good enough reason for what I just did.

I lowered my head, water hitting the back of my head and neck still I felt nothing. My body was numb. I felt as if I was standing outside of time, like I wasn't a part of this world. Time continued to move as I stood still outside of it. By the time I was able to find my body again the water was ice cold. Sighing I just turned the shower off and threw a towel on. The mirror was fogged because I was in the shower for too long. Using the palm of my hand to wipe where my eyes were I saw that they were red. I was crying. Again I was crying but now this was my fault, hell last time was my fault too. No matter how many times he tells me I still feel like it's my fault. If I had been there for him like I should have been before then he wouldn't have felt like he needed to go and make love to another man.

He has told me before time and time again that it was just sex. Making love or sex, it's the same thing in my eyes. You need to have a strong enough attraction to do it. My mind started to think back to that night I found out what he did to me. All the screaming that night, all the tears.

"Damn it, no more. No more memorize... No matter how much I drink it won't go away." Over and over the night replayed in my head.

"Stop... Stop... No more!" I punched the mirror. It shattered; the blood from my knuckles ran down the cracks. I didn't scream from pain I didn't even think about it. I just dropped my arm to my side. I stayed there till the bleeding stopped, we have white carpets and L is a neat freak.

Walking from the bathroom to the living room I saw him. He was lying down, probably cried himself to sleep. I was a little hesitant to walk over but he was still my lover I needed to check on him even if he didn't want me too. I walked over quietly hoping not to scare him.

"...L..." I placed my hand on his shoulder. "L honey are you awake?" He didn't move, he didn't even look at me. I leaned in and gave him a lite kiss on his cheek, it was wet. So I did make him cry, great. I leaned down and picked him up in my arms. Usually when I do this he sleepily raps his arms around my neck and yawns so cute but tonight none of that happened. I was using all my strength, and he was dead weight not moving.

"L baby I need you to rap your arms around my neck I can't hold you when you're like this" I struggled to say. "L baby please I know your mad but I need some help right now." still he didn't move and didn't even open his eyes. "L... Baby...?" I set him back down on the couch. "L wake up... Please?" I shook him lightly by his shoulder, still nothing. "L I know you're mad but this is not funny if you're just doing this to get back me for yelling...". Still nothing, not even a small smile usually when he is fibbing something he can't help but smile when I find him out. "...L?" I shook him harder, but still nothing. He was breathing normally, which is more than I can say for myself my heart was beating out of my chest I didn't know what to do.

"Oh my god what do I do... 911 that's what". I started for the phone then was frozen. "Fuck! He is L I can't call them... Then what the hell do I do!" I fell over and started to cry. "Damn it... I don't know what to do...". I sat there for only a minute before I shot up and flipped open my phone. "If I can't call them then I will call the next best thing I can think of".

Dialing as fast as I could i found myself praying they would answer. We never saw eye to eye but they were close friends with L I guess. I heard a groan on the other end of the line.

"What the hell do you think you're doing calling me at 2 in the fucking morning...?"

"Oh god is it really 2 i didn't know... And I'm sorry I just didn't know who else to call..."

"You think saying sorry makes it all better?"

"Well…. No but, please, just listen to me." I pleaded over the phone to him.

"You know what, Light, fuck you."

"This isn't about me, its L." the silence that followed was deafening as I waited for him.

"We will be right over are you still in the same apartment?"

"Yes." The word was barely out of my mouth before the line went dead.

The wait for them to show up seemed to be hours finally there was a knock at the door.

"Thank you for coming Mello. I didn't know who else to call". Mello walked in and soon after came Near. They both looked worried as Mello rushed over to L.

"What happened to him?" Mello walked over to him kneeling next to L.

"I...I don't know...I thought he was fine when I left him" Light played back the nights events. "We got into a fight if that means anything."

"Again isn't this like the fourth one this week? What was this one about?" Near said he was standing closer to the door to be sure he wouldn't get in Mellos way. Yes he was one of the smartest being in the world, probably the smartest kid in the world but when it came to this stuff he was a clueless as any other child. It pained Near to see L like this he was like a father really to him. Every weekend L took time out his day to take him some place fun so he could be like a normal kid at least for a bit. L knew what it was like to cooped up and made to only work and have no break, but that was the price he paid for his brain.

"I bet I know you came home drunk again didn't you?" Mello looked up from L to meet me in my gaze. The fact that I tried to not meet his he took that as a yes. "You should know better, sooner or later he is going to leave you..."

His words cut into me like a knife, because I did know better. My damn mind just wouldn't shut up I know I should trust him I mean everyone makes a mistake in their lives but the one he made not only hurt me but shattered the trust I had for him. This relationship was hard enough with the fact we were still trying to figure out how to explain my way out of the trouble I made for myself when I was younger thinking that I could be a god of my own world.

"It had been a long day and I wanted a drink, is there a rule that I can't?" Mello didn't know what was going through my head and didn't know my reasons for what I do and don't do he has no right to judge me.

Sighing Mello looked up from L again. "No I guess there is no rule for that but there is a difference between a drink to calm the nerves and getting drunk enough to come home and cause something like this."

"Something like what?" I walked closer to L, but Mello stopped me. "That's my lover I can and will be with him."

"Right now that's the last thing he needs." Mello looked down at him then back at me.

"What's wrong with him?" I looked at his body wishing he would just bounce up and giggle saying got you. I longed to touch him, to kiss his lips to let him know I was there to let him know I'm sorry.

"To tell you the truth I have no idea what's wrong with him" Mello scratched his head. "Vital signs are all normal, breathing rate, pulse, you name it it's normal."

I started to talk when he stopped me.

"However when you're talking or even next to him everything goes out of whack. His breathing pattern is shallow and fast, is heart rate increases it's as if his mind knows your by him and freaks out that you are so his body starts to react as well. I really can't explain why I'm guessing you're not telling us everything about this fight."

"There is nothing really to tell you, I came home after having a few drinks, some words were said and that's it." I didn't need Mello knowing all that was said or knowing I was pushing myself on L trying to get him to kiss me. He hates me enough I don't need to give him another thing to nag me about. But really what did it matter I could care less about what he thinks of me I just want L to get better.

"You're not telling me everything and I don't really give a fuck about your story. If I could I would just skip it and leave but it has to do with L and what you did. Let's get something straight I don't give a fuck about you the only thing I care about is L. You did something to make his… Him… I don't know what you did, but you fucked him up. So you better start saying the rest of the story." Mello looked me straight in my eyes.

I just stood there. He made it seem like I didn't even care about L. Like I didn't think I did anything wrong. My lover was lying there, in a coma I think. Fuck I don't even know what he is in or doing! All I know is that I did this, this was all my fault and I can't help in anyway. I finally fucked up so bad that he is gone, forever. How… how could I do something like this? I… I have nothing, no one to love, no one to hold, no one to kiss. At least before I knew he was still there, he was alive. There was a chance that I could fix what had happen. A chance to live my life with him, but now I… I have no idea.

"Hey! Wake up! Light fucking a wake the hell up! I don't have time for your bull shit!" Mello punched me and sent me spiraling to the floor.

I stayed where I landed on the floor. Blood dripping from my nose, it was making a small puddle. I looked up at Mello who was standing over me.

"You know what, I'm done. You don't want to help L, you don't love him if you did none of this would have ever happen." Mello's words were…. No words could have been used to describe the pain I was feeling.

"I'm taking L and I will be damned if you ever think you can come near him again!" Mello turned away from me.

"No you can't! You can't take him from me! He is all I have left, the only thing that keeps me alive!"

Mello didn't even turn to face me. He didn't even say a word.

"Near come on, help me lift L."

"Oh, okay." Near had finally said something after seeing what had just happen. He followed Mello and helped him lift L onto Mello's back.

"Wait! You can't!" I shot up to try and stop Mello from taking L but all that got me was a solid kick to my stomach sending me back to the floor.

"You're pitiful." Mello said as he turned to leave.

I watched him as he took my love from me. After a while he came back and leaned down looking at me dead in the eyes. His eyes had only ever shown hatred for me but now they had changed. Just the way he looked at me it was taking my very heart and stabbing it. He knew how much L meant to me and he would try at any attempt to keep him from me and this was his golden opportunity.

"If I ever see you come near L, I will put a bullet right here" he pointed between my eyes.

He stood up and walked out the door leaving it wide open. I didn't move to close it; I didn't do anything at all. I just sat there on my knees, thinking.

_He's… he's gone, completely gone. No more waking up with is head on my chest, his eyes looking right at me. No more making sweets for him, or holding his hand and saying I love you. No more… no more…_

My train of thought was dying. The word 'No more' just kept playing over and over in my head.

"I… I give up. There is nothing for me to do."

I stood up and left the apartment. I couldn't sleep in that bed or stay there any longer. Too many memories. Too many laughs and smiles. Too many kisses and hugs. I just couldn't do it. Where I was going I had no idea and to tell the truth I didn't care. I just didn't care anymore.

_He was my life, my soul and heart. Without him really I have nothing. I tried but I didn't try hard enough to keep him safe here in my arms. I failed him. I'm so sorry L. I'm so sorry._


End file.
